Introducing the Rise & Grind 3000™ — a treadmill powered entirely by motivational quotes and guilt. Every step uploads a new hustle mantra directly into your brain while a smoothie made of caffeine, kale, and delusion launches from the cup holder.
Rumor says if you run long enough, you’ll outrun your student debt. But be warned: stopping triggers an inspirational podcast on loop.
Somewhere, a gym bro whispers, “I haven’t actually gone anywhere… but I feel wealthier.”
