Gary’s Annual Performance Review – Now With AI!
Gary’s annual review is being conducted by an algorithm named KPI-9000. No small talk, no awkward compliments about the weather – just a disembodied digital voice coolly reciting his stats.
In place of a manager, a giant screen flickers with graphs of his quarterly outputs and tiny red flags for every missed deadline.
Gary forces a grin as the AI praises his “99% meeting attendance” (thanks to his habit of logging in even from the bathroom), then winces when it notes an “8.3% decline in enthusiasm”. Apparently his keyboard strokes per minute dipped after 6pm. He wants to explain – that the dip might correlate with the time he stayed late to help a colleague – but the AI isn’t programmed for nuance!
It pauses, ‘thinking’ in bytes, then renders its verdict in a cheerful monotone:
“Overall performance: adequate, improvement recommended.”
A paper printout of binary code and bar charts slides out like a receipt of judgment. Gary sighs, realizing there’s no negotiating with a machine that’s already moved on to scanning his facial micro-expressions for sincerity.
